listen to episode 61!
in this episode, we are acknowledging our collective hurt, how tone plays a role in our distress, + doing what we can to alleviate some of that pressure of one another!
take a listen below!
show notes for the podcast episode
below are the show notes (supplemental reading) for this episode!
use them to take notes, complete the exercises, and take action this week —
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dear dope chick,
welcome + welcome back!
how you livin’ today?
how you feelin’ today?
are you ready, today, to take some action?
what you’ll need:
for those who are new here, who haven’t been here in quite a while, or who have been rockin’ with me since day one —
dear dope chick™ is an action based podcast so that means that every single episode you are challenged to take one step that aligns with living life on your own terms.
that means you’re taking one step today, however small, large, or however you wanna categorize it, that aligns with the lifestyle that you most desire.
do it.
you aren’t always gonna have time to prepare.
you aren’t always gonna have the support of others.
you aren’t always gonna have the funds, the knowledge, or the skills to execute it alone.
start where you are with what you have.
your excuses are only as powerful as you make them.
you can convince yourself you can or you can convince yourself you can’t.
it’s always been your choice, fam — which one you gone choose?
you owe it to yourself to steer your life in the direction that you’ve always wanted to go + you can do that for yourself today one step at a time.
let’s get to work!
so, grab a notebook or journal that is dedicated to this podcast so that you can participate in the activities and exercises discussed; to see how much you have grown over the course of your life.
have you heard our previous episodes?
not yet ready do the activities presented in this episode?
we have others that may interest you so if you aren’t familiar or haven’t heard our previous episodes, take a listen so that you can make an informed choice today.
you can listen to them here.
speaking of steps, let’s talk about today’s action step:
- this is a suggestion.
- this is encouragement.
- this is not a requirement.
i am putting this out here so that you can hear it + be inspired to do something that is pressing on your heart today.
to do this week:
how do you typically respond to someone raising their voice at you?
do you totally ignore them until their tone changes?
do you ask them to lower/watch their tone when they are speaking to you?
do you tell them they aren’t entitled to what they want until they speak to you nicely?
today’s action is to listen beyond the tone.
people have been using tonation since the beginning of time to mask + communicate hurt, pain, disappointment, + the trauma they have experienced throughout their lives.
instead of seeing their tone as an attack, see it for what it is:
an essential element of communication; a form of expression.
tone tells you so much about what that person may be going through + it gives you indication (perhaps) of what may be going on.
it’s not as surface as it may seem because the tone is telling you otherwise.
when expressing hurt, it can manifest as abrasiveness + unpleasantness, crying + whining.
though communicating that way may feel like a personal attack, how others choose to communicate has nothing to do with who we are + has everything to do with what that person is going through on a personal level.
plain + simple: people are hurting, fam.
can you see beyond the tone of what they’re asking to get to their true ask?
over the course of the week, do you best to address the issue first.
it’s almost as if i’m asking you to become tone def, ainnit?
but that’s really not what i’m saying at all.
i’m encouraging us to do our best to hear the issue at hand first + to address that first before addressing the tone.
because of how most of us were raised, we talk down to people first, we are constantly in battle with who has the biggest balls.
when someone goes low, a lot of us have no problem with going to hell.
we will meet you at the lowest of low + when you think you’ve gone lower, we find a way to show you up.
we’re going to go lower, to the craters of the earth even, to prove that we have the upper hand.
that type of attitude reflects the ego.
i have to be right.
i have to put someone in their place.
i have to show someone who is boss.
it’s a very egotistical approach to handling a problem + it doesn’t even scratch the surface of the problem at hand.
it creates more problems. it’s not even talking about or finding a solution for the issue at hand, it’s creating way more problems than the issue that needs our immediate attention.
there is another way to address the problem + it can be as a simple as,
“i hear you want/need/desire xyz, am i hearing that correctly?”
that’s asking for clarification. you’re listening beyond the tone + going straight to the issue at hand.
“can you share with me exactly what you desire at this time? i want to make sure i’ve heard you fully + completely”
so instead of talking about the tone, you are saying, “hey! I want to make sure I heard what you’re asking. can you please repeat that to me?”
“thank you for sharing this information with me. i want to know more about this issue before taking premature action — care to share more about what’s going on?”
you’re asking for more. you’re asking for a connection. you’re opening yourself up to listening. you’re saying, “you know what? I can address this tone at another time. I am more interested in listening to you right now than condemning you.”
then, there’s addressing the person or addressing people with the grievances — something that’s separate from addressing the problem.
addressing the person may sound like:
“it concerned me when you said… + i wanted to check in with you.”
you’re seeking connection. you aren’t accusing them of saying anything out the way, you’re not accusing them of coming at you, you’re simply saying, “hey! I saw this + you can tell me if I’m right or not, but I want to know more. what’s up?”
“you seemed (name the emotion/feeling) when discussing xyz + i’m not going to lie, it worried me a little. i don’t want to assume anything that’s why i’m bringing my concerns to you first. how is everything?”
simple. you’re asking them how they’re doing + asking them what’s going on. the tone + abrasiveness is coming from the passion they are feeling so instead of accusing them of coming at you sideways, you’re asking them, “what’s good? what’s going on?”
“thank you for sharing (earlier problem) with me. i’m so glad we are working together to find a solution. in the meantime, i’d like to check in with you + see how you’re feeling now.”
that may bring about, “what you mean how I’m feeling?” + the maybe you mention, “you know, when we were talking earlier, I was concerned…” + then you can voice your concerns. you can start a conversation.
don’t mistake this approach as a way to excuse a person’s behaviors, rather see this as an invitation to connect on a deeper level.
once the issue has been confirmed + a resolution is underway —
sometimes a concrete isn’t available or the process is simply starting —
so, once a meeting of the minds is underway, feel free to address how you’d like to be addressed moving forward.
also, keep in mind that tone is so subjective + one person’s perspective on tone can vary greatly from another.
keep an open mind, spirit, + heart to understanding that the way that you perceive things may not be the way someone else sees it, but have that conversation.
allow both you + the person you’d like to address to share their perspectives + don’t be afraid to have that conversation. there are chances that you both of you can connect on a different level.
if you’re willing, talk through it, fam.
who knows?
by the end of the conversation, you may choose to see that person in a different light.
after you open your heart to learn about + see things from their perspective, they may decide to do the same.
+ then again, you may decide to distance yourself from future interactions. 🤷🏾♀️
that is your choice, those are your boundaries, + that is how you decide you want to move forward.
not by forcing them to do things your way, but by deciding how you would like to proceed.
my final thoughts:
remember who you are.
during any energy exchange you have today, that you have this week, + that you have anytime beyond remember who you are at your core.
remind yourself that you possess the power to create + live a life that reflects who you are at your core + that no one, but you, can control what you do.
in other words, don’t pawn off your behaviors onto someone else.
how you treat others is not contingent upon how they treat you.
you still have the opportunity to decide how you want to proceed with people, how you want to handle situation, + how you want to handle a person’s feelings.
you don’t have to treat them the same way they are treating you.
when they go low, you don’t have to go lower.
when they go low, you can stay right where you are: balanced.
you don’t even have to go higher.
you can decide to keep that same energy you’ve been maintaining from jump because they can’t decide how you want to live your life.
you want others to acknowledge + sit with their feelings, well — what about you?
when are you taking the time to recognize how you feel?
instead of having a knee jerk reaction to someone’s tone, take some time to understand the feelings their tone conjured up within you + why it made you feel that way.
what are your triggers? why is it bothering you?
you have to sit down with yourself to figure out what that’s bothering you.
that’s not on them to determine why you’re feeling how you feeling.
you have to sit down + figure out what’s triggering you to act the way you do.
no one can make you feel judged. you have to give someone permission to do that.
no one can make you feel ashamed. you have to give someone permission to do that.
no one can embarrass you. you have to give someone permission to do that.
yes, words can hurt, they can sting, they can cut like a knife + yet we hold the power to decide in which ways words will effect us.
sometimes these truths are hard to hear because we are so used to allowing others to have complete control over our actions + our reactions, so sit with this as long as you need to fully process how powerful you are.
you have the power to change the course of your life with the words that you speak, with the way that you act.
you can choose how you will proceed + that choice doesn’t have to belong to anyone else but you.
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additionally, keep reciting those affirmations!
for 21 days straight we are reciting previously written affirmations.
continue reciting your affirmations this week.
check out the previous episode if you have not to get a jumpstart on this action step.
affirmation cards are here!
dear dope chick™ has affirmation + encouragement cards readily available on deardopechick.com. head on over + purchase a deck to have those cards on deck while you journey!
cop a deck of encouragement + affirmation cards
these pocket sized affirmation cards are perfect for every day + on-the-go encouragement! shop our decks here.
i appreciate you taking the time to read + listen!
thank you for showing up today + for being present.
thank you for deciding to listen, to learn, + to implement.
+ most importantly, i thank you for being you.
i’ll see you on the next episode. 👋🏾
be you, be dope!
Phylicia Sadsarin
Mindset Coach
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