the podcast: think for yourself (episode 49)

episode 49 is ready to rock + roll!

in this episode, we are honoring our ability to choose what’s best for us on an individual level!

take a listen below!

show notes for the podcast episode

below are the show notes (supplemental reading) for this episode!

use them to take notes, complete the exercises, and take action this week —

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dear dope chick,

welcome + welcome back!

how you feelin‘ today?

how you livin‘ today?

are you ready, today, to take action?

what you’ll need:

for those who are new here, who haven’t been here in quite a while, or have been rockin’ with me since day one —

dear dope chick™ is an action based podcast so that means that every single episode you are challenged to take one step that aligns with living life on your own terms.

that means you’re taking one step today, however you wanna categorize or label it, that aligns with the lifestyle that you most desire.

“the lifestyle that you most desire”

notice i said “what you most desire” because it is really your choice.

it’s your life so you get to decide how you want to live it.

it’s not up to anyone else —

me, ya mama dem, your cousins, your spouse, your significant other, or your boss.

this is you.

what do you want?

have you taken time today to sit down + think about what it that you truly want?

you owe it to yourself to steer your life in the direction that you’ve always wanted to go + you can do that for yourself today.

let’s get to work!

so, grab a notebook or journal that is dedicated to this podcast so that you can participate in the activities and exercises discussed; to see how much you have grown over the course of your life.

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to do this week:

today’s action is to remember we all have a right to choose. 

as beautiful of a birthright it is to choose, you are not the only person walking around here with choices.

choosing is a birthright bestowed on us all.

we all have that ability.

yes, even when we do not agree with what someone chooses, it is still their choice to make.

so when we give ultimatums, when we threaten or coerce others to choose how we’d choose, when we tell people “you ain’t got no choice” we aren’t honoring their right to choose.

i get it.

at some point in our lives, we have given out or received ultimatums, myself included.

when we want things to work out our way, sometimes we will resort to impeding on the rights of others to get it.

is it right? is it wrong?

it’s neither. it just is.

is widely accepted + practiced. it’s here.

so, how do we address it?

well let’s think about how it start + really, it started in our childhoods.

growing up, some of us may have been told:

• “it’s my way (the parent’s way) or no way”
• “no you can’t get any more drink until you eat all of your food”
• “you’re not getting up from this table until you eat everything on your plate”

now as an adult seeing the prices of food, i understand the perspective. 😂

acknowledging that as a perspective does not mean i agree with it or, better yet, use those tactics with my own children.

in my household, our children are free to tell us, “i’m full”.

we don’t limit their drink intake, + we give them space to make food choices.

back in the day, “i don’t wanna eat that” was often met with “you better eat now because that’s all i’m cooking”.

again, i understand the perspective.

sometimes we are working with limited resources + have to eat what we can when we have it.

i am grateful to be in a position where i can provide options.

maybe my kids want to eat something different, maybe I want something different. hell, maybe my spouse wants something different.

the point is, everyone has the opportunity to make their own food choices in this house.

some of us give our partners ultimatums, “either you gonna put a ring on it or i’m gone”.

in fact, there are shows dedicated to giving out ultimatums in this fashion.

when it comes to ultimatums of those types, that one can be a little tricky to understand because essentially one can argue that there is a boundary set when saying, “ring or bust”.

either you’re gonna give me this ring or I’m outta here!

but the reality is it’s deeper than receiving a ring itself.

within that relationship most likely resides a myriad of underlying issues —

communication, fidelity, financial, etc.

+ instead of focusing on improving those, unfortunately the ring supersedes that focus.

are you even compatible with the other person?

so yes, it’s about a ring plus so much more.

in the natural progression of a relationship, if the ring is truly next, then there won’t be an ultimatum regarding it.

i digress.

why do we want to choose for others?

why do we feel like we know what’s best for other people?

why do we feel like our choices are what’s best for others?

it boils down to one word: fear.

giving space for others to choose can be scary when we are used to having all the control.

what we fail to realize is that control is an illusion.

having control over others was never there in the first place.

others can concede to our requests + threats.

ultimately they are still choosing, but not on their own volition.

then, after we bully them into making choices, we then have the nerve to say “well, i do this out of love”.

so, let’s talk about love for a minute…

love does not abhor or act out of fear.

love doesn’t shut down conversations with statements + thoughts such as “it’s my way or the highway” or “this is my house”, especially when conversing with kids who, let’s remember, didn’t ask to be here.

how is speaking someone that way loving?

love is open to dialogue.

love is listening.

love is holding space for others.

love is trusting others to make the best decisions for themselves.

love is honoring another person’s perspective.

honoring another person’s perspective doesn’t mean that you agree with it, it means that you give them space to think for themselves.

when we are afraid that the person is unaware of the natural consequences of their actions (not the ones we impose on them but the consequences that come naturally as a result of the action), love is equipping them with information on how things work + what they maybe can expect as a result of the natural consequence.

love is also respecting their option to decline implementing said information.

so even if you give the information they still have the opportunity decline + respecting their decision.

diving deeper into natural consequences + options.

for example, a natural consequence of not eating is hunger.

so when a person doesn’t want to eat, we can remind them:

“hey, i’ve noticed you decided not to eat right now. are you hungry? if so, is there something in particular you’d like to eat?”

i know, i know —

that’s a scary ass question because what if they request filet mignon + we don’t have that as an option?

or what if, when asking this to a child, they request ice cream?

i know, it’s a nail biter.

in those instances, we speak the truth:

“unfortunately, right now all we have is _____. if you’d like to eat that when you’re hungry, you can find the leftover food in the fridge. I’ll be sure to pack it up + it will be on the front part of the fridge.”

you’ve given the option to decide when they want to eat + where to find the food.

if we have other options, we can announce those, too:

“there are also fruits + sandwich products available to you.”

lastly, let’s address the ice cream conundrum.

we all have had a ice cream conundrum.

the ice cream conundrum is when we feel like people are going to ask for something we aren’t willing freely to give because we want to control it, yet they have the exact same rights + access to it as we do.

solving the ice cream conundrum looks like this:

either you have it + by default offer it fully + completely or you don’t have it + can’t offer it in that moment.

a natural consequence of having ice cream readily available in your house is that someone consumes it.

that’s an assumed risk to having it in your freezer.

so the natural consequence is if someone is asking for it + unless it’s specifically yours that means not bought with the family in mind at all, it’s there as an option + open for dialogue.

facing unfair usage? talk about a solution.

figure out how much or how little everyone can eat on a daily basis. make it fair for everyone.

in my household, everyone gets a fair share. choosing to eat it now or later is your choice, but we all get the same thing.

that way, there is a consensus on how the household operates + there are less restrictions on how household members have to conduct themselves within their own home.

when you open yourself up to that type of feedback, when you give someone the space to make their own decisions, you see a reflection of your state of being.

• when you don’t like what you’re seeing, you can then voice those concerns to the family + decide:
  • do we keep ice cream in the house?
  • because ice cream is a sometimes food, do we eat it only when we go out?
• you’re also able to determine how well you can implement self control.
  • if the ice cream is in the house, do you have to consume it?
  • are there other options for your consumption?

we have options.

like i stated in the last episode:

there is no real reason why we are out here looping in the same cycles if we want different for ourselves because we have options.

we want to break generational curses + cycles, yet we aren’t willing to listen to + value our children.

hell, we don’t even listen to our inner voice!

we ignore ourselves, our own needs, + stifle our own voices.

sometimes, when we are hurting, we won’t even acknowledge the pain.

we act out.

maybe back then, in our past, that was seemingly the only option we had, but we can choose different for ourselves now.

when i feel hurt or overwhelmed, one of the first things i ask for is a hug. i also walk away + take a breather. i realize that’s an option for me, too.

we don’t have to continue perpetuating the behaviors we don’t agree with, that are not aligned with who we are at our core.

we want different for ourselves, let’s be different.

we want to experience real love, yet we aren’t willing to have tough conversations.

what is love without a conversation?

what is love without a meeting of the minds?

what is love without connection? without respect? without honoring other people?

how can you truly love yourself or someone else if you won’t listen to yourself or others?

we want to build true connections with people, yet we aren’t willing to give them space to do what they do.

like we have options, others have options, too.

we can choose what’s best for us, even when that best doesn’t align with someone else’s best.

over the course of the week, notice how open you are to perspectives that differ from your own.

take some self inventory + recognize how open or closed off you are.

how can you expand your heart? how can you expand your mind?

are you more closed minded than you thought yourself to be?

what types of feelings arise when you give others space to make their own decisions + ultimately relinquish your perceived control?

why do you feel obligated to control this situation right now? what fears are present right now?

additionally, keep reciting those affirmations!

for 21 days straight we are reciting previously written affirmations.

continue reciting your affirmations this week.

check out the previous episode if you have not to get a jumpstart on this action step.

affirmation cards are here!

dear dope chick™ has affirmation + encouragement cards readily available on deardopechick.com. head on over + purchase a deck to have those cards on deck while you journey! 

my final thoughts:

do you trust yourself?

if you don’t trust yourself, why is that the case?

if you do trust yourself, why can’t others trust themselves?

why can’t we trust that others can trust themselves?

we have a hard time trusting ourselves when we’ve been constantly stripped of our opportunities to speak up for make decisions for ourselves.

think about how hard it may be or may have been transitioning into adulthood.

“adulting is a sham. 10 out 10 don’t recommend”

this phrase comes from a feeling deep down inside that triggers our fears it’s speaking our on our experiences.

it became a phrase, a saying, because it resonates somewhere within some of us.

we weren’t ready for adulthood aka decision making due to lack of preparedness + how can we be prepared for something when we haven’t practiced?

we haven’t practiced because many of us, growing up, weren’t given the opportunity to make our own choices.

making our own choices is an art that combines trusting ourselves, listening to our inner voice in conjunction to our gut, heart, + mind + leading with love.

it can be challenging to start making decisions when we haven’t been used to it.

having given the space to do it, adulting (which is really making decisions) being hard may not be such a prominent narrative for many.

while we cannot change our pasts, we can change our now.

right now, we have the opportunity to start listening to ourselves.

right now, we have the opportunity to start listening to others.

you may find that carrying on mindset that supports the illusion of control is completely contradictory to who you are at your core.

over time, you can see that doesn’t align with who you are or who you choose to be.

that little seven year old person inside of you who was told repeatedly “it’s my way only” or “this is my house“, that person is safe now.

this is your house now — how do you want to run your household?

choose different.

give yourself space to make choices —

• yes, you will make what folks call “mistakes”
• yes you will seemingly “fail”
• yes, you will have to choose another option at times

but ultimately that’s what learning is.

you will learn + like you, when others are given the space to make their own decisions, they will learn, too.

failures, mistakes — all of those are perceptions. but anything that you’re doing right now is setting you up + is a learning experience.

it’s putting you on the path, it’s setting you up to decide where you want to go.

as a collective, as we learn we can implement what we learn + keep growing together.

all you can control is you, fam.

that’s it.

practice controlling you —

• how you present yourself,
• the choices you make,
• the words you say,
• the attitude you have,
• the perspective you choose

— focus your energy on that.

control is an illusion.

controlling is impossible.

focus on what you can control + that is yourself.

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i appreciate you taking the time to read + listen!

thank you for showing up today, for being here today.

thank you for implementing (if you so choose), thank you for being open to dialogue + conversation.

+ most importantly, i thank you for being you.

i’ll see you on the next episode. 👋🏾

be you, be dope!
Phylicia Sadsarin
Mindset Coach

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